52 SPOKEN WORDS

30. SURRENDER | with Denise Paiste

WOMEN+WORDS SERIES

The spoken words of 13 different women I have connected with and the story of their spoken word from God.

These stories are to showcase the power of faith and how God whispered to them and they listened wholeheartedly in His plan.

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My 9th featuer, Denise Paiste,who I met through my sister. She was my sisters first mentor. Denise is the seed to rekindling my own journey of faith. Without my sister meeting her, I would not be where I am today. This blog would not have been created. It was rediscovering my faith through our home church called South Bay Church, that allowed me to really see the value of connections. I call her my mentor as well because she has allowed me to be strong as a wife, mom, and leader to others. She is also faithful, driven, humorous and a BADASS mentor. She speaks the truth and is so raw. She inspires me to be a strong influence like her and to keep planting those seeds in others to multiply. She shares how a strong woman like her had to lose control of her life and surrender to God alone. She writes in poetic form, speaking between God vs Self, sharing her very soul. 

As a perfectionist—I’m always afraid of not doing things right. There is constant battle of shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

-I should spend more time with the kids.

-I could be a better wife

-I would ___, if I ____.

These thoughts and worries arises because I want to be a “good” person (a loving mom, a respectful wife, a community leader, etc.) But somehow the strive for good has an adverse effect. At times, I just want to scream!!! ALL THESE DO-GOODER-STANDARDS IS TURNING ME INTO A NEGATIVE PERSON!!!

-Why is this happening to me?!

-When do I get a break?!

 

My attitude gets ugly. I get destructive. And then… I just don’t want to do-good anymore…

This is where and when God steps into my life. I hear His voice muffled under my negative thoughts. And I’m sorry to say—many times I’m so down and negative…that I choose not to listen because of my unworthiness and shame.

-I’m never going to be good enough.

-I’m just so overwhelmed.

-I want to give up.

 

But that “little voice inside” tells me… surrender.

-What?! You want me to let go of control?

-You want me to trust that everything is going to be alright?!

 

“Yes, surrender.”

 

“Put your ego aside and surrender.

My child, you’ve been putting your faith in the wrong places. You put all faith in YOURSELF. You take full responsibility for everything. You act like you don’t ‘need’ anyone…but you do. I’ve always been reaching out to you. It’s time for you to reach back. Surrender. Put your faith in me. I will give you the strength to do all things. Keep your focus on me and see me

multiply what matters most.”

 

-God, I hear you. I feel the Holy Spirit. There’s an overwhelming feeling of joy and peace. Thank you for saving me from myself. I can’t do this alone—I need you Lord God. Please work in and through me…

 

I surrender.

 

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