This week seemed like a long one, as I encountered a low moment in myself and fighting through understanding why God placed me in this current state. It was the insecurities, the doubt, & picking at the negatives where it made me fall away from Him. It was a moment when I began to understand why I was here in my low point. Nothing major, just a realization that sometimes life throws us curve balls and sometimes we fall into these moments. Whether it’s questioning our identity...questioning our jobs...questioning our well being and questioning exactly what are we doing in our lives. Sometimes we will hit these moments and become weak, insecure and begin to doubt.
Upon getting a call, “you got the job!” a part of me hesitated…. I had doubt but kept telling myself; this is for the better...better pay, better benefits, amazing team and you are closer to home.
I was finally out of my last job… I was beyond excited to start because a part of me was just as excited to leave my last job. Why? Well, because I did not feel acknowledged as an employee and the team did not have a good dynamic. It was a very easy job, but I felt otherwise. I remember during my interview with the manager for the new job, I felt a great connection that I wanted in a team, in a leader, and that is what I felt lead me to want to job. (Besides the pay and benefits, but what truly stood out to me was the manager.)
It was finally training day and I started to get overwhelmed with the work… still learning the new process and finding my way of things and stepping outside of my comfort zone. The job was a challenge, as my last job it made me realize how easy as pie it was. But it was something I couldn’t or can’t see myself doing for years. Upon meeting my team, I began to grow in love. They had great spirits, supportive, welcoming, and the majority of them I connected because of their strong faith.
My appreciation for this amazing team I am a part of, did not stop me from having my doubts… it was the fact that I couldn’t see myself doing the work I do… for years. I asked myself, “why am I here? Why do I continue to apply for these jobs? Do I see myself here in a year?” The answer was no…It’s was a comfort thing, knowing I am good at what I do and that it is natural. But it was just that..... it was knowing that I was getting “comfortable” because it’s what I’m good at. It was also because it had “great benefits.” I know these are things we need to look for in a family… but I feel my sanity matters... Right? Well, to me it does and I would want my children know, that just because you are comfortable at something… do not just settle. There is always more when you feel there is more, especially when there is a calling that speaks to your heart. I know I was meant for greater things. I know there is something out there that resonates me and I know that I do not need to be comfortable in something. I completely broke down to my husband and just cried to him saying, I don’t like where I am working. It’s not the team, it’s really just me not really being in an environment that allows me to use my creative skills, to truly be me when it comes to work.
I do not utilize anything here with what I am passionate about.
I am exhausted.
I don’t feel that I am fully there watching the kids; because I am tired all the time. I am a complete zombie and don't feel present.
I am unhappy and very overwhelmed.
I then realized I was being “negative nancy” every time I went to work. I was on a current splurge of finding that right job for me. Something that can support my family and something that can allow me to really use my skills and talents I stand so strong by. I would leave for work, not fully wanting to go and finding excuses to call out. (but I do end up going… just with my bleehhh spirits.)
I went from leaving a job with a leader/team dynamics that I felt wasn’t there, minimal work and time to focus on my side passion… to a job that has an awesome team, management, but overwhelmed with work, where I have no time to focus on my passions. It was realizing that I need to do what I am meant to do. It was knowing that God may have placed me here to realize that I need to take bigger risks for myself, and really jump to fulfill my dreams. It is also understanding that my doubt, my insecurities is what stirs the enemy to fall into his trap to fall away from God. It is trying to understand more of why God placed me in this position. It’s figuring out the reasons to the answers I can’t really answer, but wait...to wait for Him to utilize His plan, for me to really seek Him.
My side business is a true heart of mine, and I tend to be very impatient and want things right away… but I am trying to find light with where I am at now. Just knowing that I have a great team where I can connect spiritually. Knowing that my family is taken care of somehow for us to pay the bills, get food on the table and have the opportunity to save. Also knowing well enough He is planning something bigger and speaking me through ways that answer my questions. It’s a daily reminder to myself to trust Him wholeheartedly through my doubts, my insecurities and my fears.
Are you in a low moment of questioning yourself? How have you used your insecurities, doubts, and low moments find something beautiful about it? What is it that you are still trying to understand or come to terms? Reflect on it, sometimes your answers are already there.